Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Wandering Heart

It is time for this wanderer to return to the woods. It is not as long as the Appalachian Trail; however, it should at least feed the need to walk amongst the energy of nature and find inner peace. Come this summer, I will find myself backpacking the entire Colorado Trail. Sometimes, it feels like it cannot come soon enough, but I know before I even have a real chance to plan it I will be out there doing the best I can with just the stuff on my back!

Now, many might think I am selfish for going out on this journey while my husband stays home and continues to fight the battle against his cancer on his own. On some level, you are correct! It is extremely selfish! At the same time, I am told I need to take care of myself in order to give my husband the best care possible during his fight. The day he was diagnosed with GIST was the day I died. Since that day, I have been basically worthless to him anyway. This trek along the Colorado Trail is part of my rejuvenation and strength building to deal with this terminal illness and hopefully chase it away all together!

Ok, so this still sounds like bull malarkey, right? Well, it is hard to keep spirits high and fight the depression that comes with learning you have a terminal illness when you yourself have been sunk by depression. In the first year and a half of his cancer treatment, I tried as hard as possible to run from it and keep my spirits up by simply avoiding. Now, I am waking up and realizing all that did was help to sink my ship in the swamp of sadness!

Many are asking why such a long trip? Can't I just go out for a week? For me, there is no strength in a week long backpacking trip. There is something to be said for spending a month in the woods alone living off my common sense skills and the stuff in my backpack. On the top of a mountain, I converse with mother nature when the opportunity presents itself. From the valleys, I send her thanks for the nutrients she provides in her rivers and streams. Mother nature nourishes me through perseverance and beauty. She challenges me to focus on myself, which is a huge challenge in my life when surrounded by so many hurting and sad people. Within my soul, I am a happy person, but around others I am consumed! How is it there can be so much hurt and pain?

So, for this reason, I go to the woods to find solace in the warms of mother nature. She opens my eyes and makes me truly look within myself and walk away more connected throughout my body. It is through this I will be able to improve my care for my husband and stand by his side during this horrible battle! Through me I shall share mother nature's love with my husband!